She is clothed with strength and
dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.
~ Proverbs 31:25 ~
Three years ago…so hard to believe it’s
been 3 years already. I remember the day
he asked me to marry him like it was yesterday.
I couldn’t tell you exactly what he said but remember the hurt that came
along with that weekend…from being told what I would wear, hearing all weekend
about how much this weekend was costing him, when we called to tell his parents
we were engaged and it was made very obvious that they were not happy for us,
to the hurtful words that pierced my heart more than anything. Its truly funny to think back to a time in
life that is suppose to be one of the happiest times of your life and see three
years later that it was anything but happy.
I held on to this relationship until my hands were blue. I held as tight as I could, trying to hang on
for dear life, one handed at times, praying as I held on, crying and crying
some more and begging for this to work.
It was as though my hands were rope burned from hanging on for so
long. I was tired and emotionally spent. Everything I thought I had wanted was slipping
away and there was nothing I could do. I
was convinced that he was all I was good enough for. I simply couldn’t picture life without
him. I kept going back to all the good
times we had together and all the sweet moments we shared. I had convinced myself we were meant to be
together. I was blinded to all the
sorrow, pain and dysfunction this person brought into my life. All the hurtful words over and over again,
the control issues, and the continuous reminder that you aren’t good enough for
me…the cycle of abandonment that went along with this relationship. Through all the pain, lonely nights and
tears, God finally brought me to a place where I had to lay this relationship
and the person I wanted so badly to love me at the feet of Jesus. I had let go and trust in the Father’s love
like never before. I told God that with
or without him, I would praise Him and love Him with my whole heart. I bravely chose to serve Him anyways, to
fully trust that His plan was what was best for me. I no longer sought this person, but left him
at the feet of Jesus to deal with his heart.
This was so freeing and brought
healing because that’s what trusting in our Heavenly Father does…It frees
us! The weight of this relationship was
lifted. Throughout the next year I would
learn my value and true worth in the eyes of God. This value and worth were not based on if
that person loved me or not. I began to
see that I deserved so much more. I
deserved God’s very best for me. Anything
less than His perfect plan would bring more pain, confusion and devastation in
my life. For the first time in my life,
I broke the cycle. My sweet surrender to
Jesus has sweetened my life like never before.
No matter what, I don’t have to try to earn His unconditional love. I am LOVED.
I don’t seek love because I’ve already found it in Christ alone. I don’t have to attract love because it’s all
around me. I see His love for me
everywhere I go. The beautiful thing is
that God loves me so much that He has taken my mistakes and made something so
beautiful out of it. He has granted one
of the desires of my heart to travel working as a nurse. Whether be through work or through being in
unfamiliar territory I’ve encounter situations that I pray I’ve helped people
understand their true worth and helped them feel loved when they felt
unloved.
Today, three years later, I’m
still single but I’m living a life that was just once a “well that would be
nice but I’m just not good enough to do that” thought. I’ve gotten to travel to the great state of Texas three times, fulfill
a lifetime dream of working at one of the top ranked cancer hospitals, and now
gotten to work in my home state at a place that I’ve fallen in love with. Working in a cancer center most people would
consider depressing but every time I walk through the double doors, I feel the
presense of God Almighty. Whether it be
in a café, praying with a patient in the court yard or hugging a patient that
just got the news everyone fears “There is nothing else we can do”, Almighty
God is ever present. What an honor and
privilege it is to get to walk through those doors and say here I am Lord, may I bring glory to you this
day.
The day I laid that person I
thought I want at the feet of Jesus, He promised me that He is sending me a
godly man who will love and cherish me.
I don’t have to go looking for him because I know he will be where Jesus
is. If we’re both seeking God’s heart,
our love and passion for Him will collide like two flames turning into a
fire. God has a perfect love story and
plan unfolding for you. Let go of trying
to walk through life holding onto things that are your will instead of
His. When God sends that person, he will
gently place his palm onto your palm and together you both will walk right into
His blessings and destiny.
Sometimes the bad things that
happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will
ever happen to us. ~ Nicole Reed ~
