Three Years Later

She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future.   

~ Proverbs 31:25 ~

Three years ago…so hard to believe it’s been 3 years already.  I remember the day he asked me to marry him like it was yesterday.  I couldn’t tell you exactly what he said but remember the hurt that came along with that weekend…from being told what I would wear, hearing all weekend about how much this weekend was costing him, when we called to tell his parents we were engaged and it was made very obvious that they were not happy for us, to the hurtful words that pierced my heart more than anything.  Its truly funny to think back to a time in life that is suppose to be one of the happiest times of your life and see three years later that it was anything but happy.  I held on to this relationship until my hands were blue.  I held as tight as I could, trying to hang on for dear life, one handed at times, praying as I held on, crying and crying some more and begging for this to work.  It was as though my hands were rope burned from hanging on for so long.  I was tired and emotionally spent.  Everything I thought I had wanted was slipping away and there was nothing I could do.  I was convinced that he was all I was good enough for.  I simply couldn’t picture life without him.  I kept going back to all the good times we had together and all the sweet moments we shared.  I had convinced myself we were meant to be together.  I was blinded to all the sorrow, pain and dysfunction this person brought into my life.  All the hurtful words over and over again, the control issues, and the continuous reminder that you aren’t good enough for me…the cycle of abandonment that went along with this relationship.  Through all the pain, lonely nights and tears, God finally brought me to a place where I had to lay this relationship and the person I wanted so badly to love me at the feet of Jesus.  I had let go and trust in the Father’s love like never before.  I told God that with or without him, I would praise Him and love Him with my whole heart.  I bravely chose to serve Him anyways, to fully trust that His plan was what was best for me.  I no longer sought this person, but left him at the feet of Jesus to deal with his heart.         

This was so freeing and brought healing because that’s what trusting in our Heavenly Father does…It frees us!  The weight of this relationship was lifted.  Throughout the next year I would learn my value and true worth in the eyes of God.  This value and worth were not based on if that person loved me or not.  I began to see that I deserved so much more.  I deserved God’s very best for me.  Anything less than His perfect plan would bring more pain, confusion and devastation in my life.  For the first time in my life, I broke the cycle.  My sweet surrender to Jesus has sweetened my life like never before.  No matter what, I don’t have to try to earn His unconditional love.  I am LOVED.  I don’t seek love because I’ve already found it in Christ alone.  I don’t have to attract love because it’s all around me.  I see His love for me everywhere I go.  The beautiful thing is that God loves me so much that He has taken my mistakes and made something so beautiful out of it.  He has granted one of the desires of my heart to travel working as a nurse.  Whether be through work or through being in unfamiliar territory I’ve encounter situations that I pray I’ve helped people understand their true worth and helped them feel loved when they felt unloved.   

Today, three years later, I’m still single but I’m living a life that was just once a “well that would be nice but I’m just not good enough to do that” thought.  I’ve gotten to travel to the great state of Texas three times, fulfill a lifetime dream of working at one of the top ranked cancer hospitals, and now gotten to work in my home state at a place that I’ve fallen in love with.  Working in a cancer center most people would consider depressing but every time I walk through the double doors, I feel the presense of God Almighty.  Whether it be in a café, praying with a patient in the court yard or hugging a patient that just got the news everyone fears “There is nothing else we can do”, Almighty God is ever present.  What an honor and privilege it is to get to walk through those doors and say  here I am Lord, may I bring glory to you this day. 

The day I laid that person I thought I want at the feet of Jesus, He promised me that He is sending me a godly man who will love and cherish me.  I don’t have to go looking for him because I know he will be where Jesus is.  If we’re both seeking God’s heart, our love and passion for Him will collide like two flames turning into a fire.  God has a perfect love story and plan unfolding for you.  Let go of trying to walk through life holding onto things that are your will instead of His.  When God sends that person, he will gently place his palm onto your palm and together you both will walk right into His blessings and destiny. 

Sometimes the bad things that happen in our lives put us directly on the path to the best things that will ever happen to us. ~ Nicole Reed ~